Emirates = Amal Alamuddin Clooney
United Airlines = Chris Brown
Both have a history of assault, but Americans quickly forgive/forget and continue to fly United/listen to Chris Brown’s music (even though both are super mediocre).
Arlo Skye is made of aluminum-magnesium; this carry-on is durable (just in case you and it get dragged off the plane). It also has a built-in phone charger so you can listen to chris brown tracks uninterrupted. (bo&play headphones)
Virgin America = Lisa Vanderpump
Both have British roots, an affinity for pink/purple (why tho…?) and are slightly tacky, but you love them anyway. Virgin and LVP both love dogs, are great at entertaining and never short on wine.
American Airlines = Jessica Biel
All-American, no-frills and kind of underwhelming…but when dressed up, they have potential to #SLAY. AA’s 787 Dreamliner is like Jessica Biel at the Met Gala, but more often than not, you get a plane from the same era as 7th Heaven. The Admirals Club is an added bonus…kind of like having Justin Timberlake as your spouse.
British Airways = Kate Moss
British Airways and Kate Moss give zero f*cks about what people think about them. They’re unsympathetic, often surrounded by controversy, and have been critiqued for being a bare bones airline/baring too many bones as a model. Despite getting ejected from an Easyjet plane for being intoxicated and calling a flight attendant “basic” (#rockbottom), I can’t quit Kate Moss. Just like Kate, BA has its demons, but I’m still flying back from London on BA in March. Worst case scenario, I’ll just get Kate Moss wasted.
Spirit Airlines = Donald Trump
Both make the list of the world’s worst everything and are the same awkward shade of yellow. Both have a very public reputation for being repulsive/terrible, but somehow are still in business/the oval office. WTF.
Southwest = Tom Hanks
America’s most decent person/airline. Down-to-earth, affable…a man/airline of the people. In a world of scandal and sleaze, we’ll always have Southwest/Tom Hanks. Keep being Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks…